Navigating Relational Parts

You say yes when you want to say no.
You keep the peace—even when it hurts.
You worry you’re being “too much,” “too needy,” “too emotional.”
So you smile, accommodate, shrink.

But then, something inside you snaps.

Suddenly, another voice appears:

• “I’m tired of bending.”

• “I don’t care what they think.”

• “I’ll do what I want.”

You go quiet… or you go loud. You retreat… or you react.

If this tug-of-war feels familiar, it’s not because you’re unstable. It’s because two powerful parts of you—the people-pleaser and the rebel—have been trying to protect you in very different ways.

And both are doing so for good reasons.

Relational Parts Form Early and Deeply

From a young age, most of us learned certain messages about relationships:

• Be agreeable, and you’ll be liked.

• Don’t upset anyone.

• If you disappoint people, they’ll withdraw.

• Keep control, or you’ll be hurt.

So we adapt. We develop people-pleasing parts to keep us safe, connected, and accepted. These parts may apologise quickly, avoid conflict, over-function, or say yes to things we don’t want.

But inside, something else builds up—a simmering frustration, an unmet need, a longing to be real. That’s when the rebel appears.

She doesn’t care about approval. She rolls her eyes at expectations. She may push people away or act out to reclaim space.

She’s not bad—she’s a counterbalance. A fierce protector that says: “No one else is looking out for you, so I will.”

Neither Part Is the Problem

Both the people-pleaser and the rebel are trying to help.
The first wants connection. The second wants freedom.

But when either part leads without Self, we often swing between over-accommodation and isolation. Between self-sacrifice and self-sabotage. Between losing ourselves in others and walling ourselves off completely.

The invitation of IFS is to bring in your Self-energy—that calm, compassionate, connected inner leader who can say to both parts:

“Thank you. I see what you’re trying to do. Let’s work together, not against each other.”

A Real-Life Example: The Push and the Retreat

I worked with a woman—let’s call her Zoe—who constantly found herself over-giving in friendships. She said yes to everything. Showed up before anyone asked. Held everyone’s emotions.

But over time, she started resenting it. Feeling unappreciated. So she’d cut people off. Ghost them. Withdraw entirely.

One day, in session, she said: “I feel like I either disappear or explode.”

So we paused. Got curious. And what emerged were two beautiful, tired parts:

• A young people-pleaser who believed, “If I’m not useful, they’ll leave.”

• A fiery rebel who said, “I’m done being walked over.”

They weren’t wrong. They just needed help reconnecting to each other—and to Self.

When Zoe could lead with her Self, she set boundaries without guilt, and stayed connected without abandoning herself. That’s the power of inner harmony.

Try This: Journaling With Your Relational Parts

Use this reflection to meet the parts of you that show up in relationships—especially when you feel conflicted or reactive.

Step One: Choose a Recent Relational Trigger
Think of a time you felt overwhelmed, resentful, shut down, or stretched too thin in a relationship—romantic, family, friendship, or professional.

Step Two: Begin With This Prompt:
“There’s a part of me that tries hard to keep the peace. It says...”
Let that part speak. What is it afraid of? What does it want for you?

Then try:
“There’s another part of me that resists, rebels, or retreats. It says...”
What is this part protecting? What is it tired of?

Step Three: Respond From Self
Write back to both parts with kindness. Acknowledge their efforts. Let them know you see their good intentions.

End with: “I hear you both. I’m here now, and I want us to find a way forward—together.”

This is the beginning of internal trust.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to choose between pleasing and pushing away.
You don’t have to be either the “good girl” or the “difficult one.”
You are more than your roles.

When you lead from Self, you can speak your truth and stay connected.
You can set boundaries and hold compassion.
You can stop performing and let yourself be seen.

You are allowed to be whole—even in your relationships.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls

Angela xox