Meeting Your Inner Critic with Compassion, Not Control

You know the voice.

The one that says “You’re not doing enough.”
Or “Why can’t you just get it right?”
Or “You shouldn’t feel this way.”

It shows up after the phone call you over-analysed, the text you wish you worded differently, the day you didn’t get through your to-do list.

This is the inner critic—a part that many of us carry. And for so long, the main advice has been to shut it down, reframe it, or “silence your inner mean girl.”

But what if she’s not trying to be mean at all?

What If She’s Trying to Help?

I know. That sounds outrageous.
But stay with me.

In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, we don’t try to “get rid of” any part of ourselves—even the hard ones. Every part of you has a reason for being, even if its strategies are outdated or unhelpful.

The inner critic is no exception.

She may sound harsh, but underneath her voice is often a deep fear. Fear that if she doesn't keep you in line, you’ll get hurt. Rejected. Embarrassed. Shamed.

She’s trying to protect you—perhaps in the only way she knows how.

The Origins of the Critic

Critic parts are often formed in childhood or adolescence, when we first learn what’s “acceptable” and what’s not.

• Maybe you were praised when you achieved but ignored when you cried.
• Maybe you were told to be polite, to not ask for too much, to keep the peace.
• Maybe you were bullied, compared, or made to feel like who you were wasn't quite enough.

So a part of you took over.

It began keeping score, setting high standards, cracking the whip—believing it had to do this to keep you safe, loved, and worthy.

And now? She’s still doing that job… even though you’ve grown, changed, and long outgrown those rules.

Why Fighting Her Doesn’t Work

Many women try to shut their inner critic down. We argue with her. Ignore her. Tell her she’s wrong.

But here’s the paradox: The more we push her away, the louder she tends to get.

Because, from her perspective, she’s doing something important. She’s keeping you safe from failure or rejection or disappointment. And when she feels unheard, she ramps up the volume.

The real way forward?

Don’t fight her. Get to know her.

That’s where true healing—and true transformation—begins.

A Personal Story: My Critic Was Exhausted

I used to have a very strong inner critic. She kept me productive, polished, high-achieving, and quietly burnt out.

When I finally stopped to listen, I realised: she was exhausted. She didn’t want to yell at me all the time. She was just scared. She believed that if she stopped, I’d fall apart.

So I thanked her. I told her she’d done a brilliant job… but that I could take the lead now. Not to exile her, but to let her rest.

That’s what she’d been waiting for all along.

Try This: Journaling with Your Inner Critic

This gentle writing practice invites you to meet your inner critic as a part of you—not the whole of you.

Step One: Get Grounded
Find a quiet moment. Breathe. Place a hand on your heart or belly. Let your body settle.

Step Two: Begin with This Prompt:
“Dear Inner Critic, I hear you. I want to understand you better. What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t speak up?”

Let the critic write back. Let her speak. Let her be scared or controlling or sad. Don’t edit. Just listen.

Step Three: Respond From Self
Now, write back to her from your Self—calm, kind, curious.
You might say: “Thank you for trying to protect me. I see how hard you’re working. I want to know what you need.”

Even just starting this dialogue can begin to shift the relationship.

Step Four: Reflect

• What surprised you about what this part shared?

• What might change if you treated your inner critic as a protector instead of a problem?

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to silence your inner critic.
You don’t need to pretend she’s not there.
You simply need to meet her—with curiosity and care.

Because when you listen, really listen, you’ll find that even your harshest voices are just parts of you that want to be heard, held, and loved.

And that… is where healing begins.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox