What It Really Means to Live from Within

I remember the first time I heard the phrase “Self-led life.” It sounded lovely—empowering even—but also a bit vague. Was it about being independent? Making bold decisions? Living authentically? Yes… and no. Because, like most things in the world of therapy, the truth turned out to be far richer and more nuanced than I expected.

If you’re anything like the clients I work with—or if you’re like me, before I discovered the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model—you might be wondering: What exactly is a Self-led life?

Let me start with this: it’s not about having your life “together.” It’s not about always feeling calm or never getting triggered. And it’s definitely not about pretending you’ve healed everything so you can be the most Zen person in the room. That, in fact, would be a part—likely a manager—trying to keep it all neat and tidy.

A Self-led life is messier than that. And infinitely more beautiful.

Self Isn’t a Role—It’s Who You Are

In IFS, the Self isn’t something you have to create or build. It’s already there. It’s the part of you that’s never been wounded. The part that knows how to listen without fixing, how to love without losing itself, and how to lead without dominating. It’s the you that exists beneath all the pain, programming, and protection.

When I work with clients and they begin to access their Self-energy—even for just a moment—it’s unmistakable. Their whole presence softens. Their eyes become more open, their breathing slows, and there’s a quiet knowing that enters the room. It’s not performative. It’s not effortful. It’s simply there. Spacious. Grounded. Loving.

We all have it.

But most of us have forgotten how to access it, because we’ve spent years—decades even—living from our parts.

Living From Parts vs Living From Self

Let me explain what I mean. When we live from parts, we’re often being run by fear, shame, or old belief systems.

You know those inner voices that say:

• “You’ll never be good enough.”

• “Don’t show weakness.”

• “You have to be perfect to be loved.”

Those are parts—often protectors—trying to keep you safe. They learned these rules a long time ago, usually in childhood, and they’ve been doing their best to help you survive ever since. But the problem is, they’re exhausting. And over time, they can cut us off from our true essence.

A Self-led life means we don’t exile those parts. We don’t silence them or shame them for existing. We get curious. We turn inward. We ask them what they need. And slowly, gently, we begin to lead them—with love.

Not unlike parenting, really. Except the “children” in this case are internal: hurt parts, anxious parts, angry parts, perfectionist parts. They don’t need to be banished. They need to be seen and heard by you—your Self.

What It Feels Like to Be Self-Led

When you’re in Self-energy, you feel different. Life feels different. It’s not that your problems disappear. It’s that your relationship to them changes.

You find yourself:

• Responding instead of reacting.

• Pausing before speaking.

• Feeling compassion where there used to be judgment.

• Setting boundaries from a place of clarity, not defensiveness.

• Allowing grief or joy to move through the body without getting stuck.

Clients often describe it as coming home to themselves. As if they’d spent their whole lives being pulled in different directions, and now—finally—they’re sitting at the centre of it all, grounded and present.

And here’s what I love most: Self-energy is contagious. When one person is in Self, others feel it. The nervous system picks up on it. It creates safety. And from that safety, real transformation becomes possible.

The 9 C’s of Self-Energy

In IFS, we describe the qualities of Self using nine words that all happen to start with the letter “C.” These are not boxes to tick or states to fake. They are organic expressions of who you are when you’re not being overrun by parts.

These qualities are:

• Courage

• Clarity

• Confidence

• Compassion

• Choice

• Connectedness

• Creativity

• Calm

• Curiosity

In the coming articles, I’ll explore each of these C’s, not as abstract ideals but as living, breathing energies that you can feel, cultivate, and return to—again and again. I’ll share what these qualities look like in daily life, how they show up in therapy, and how you can begin to embody them in your own healing journey.

One Last Thing…

You don’t have to be “fully Self-led” to begin living a Self-led life. That’s a myth. In fact, your willingness to even read this is a sign that some part of you longs to reconnect with Self. That part may be hopeful. Or tired. Or scared. All are welcome.

This journey isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about learning to turn inwards with kindness and meet the many parts of you with love—not because they need to change, but because they deserve to be known.

So, wherever you are right now—frazzled, curious, numb, or quietly hopeful—I invite you to take a breath and remember:

Your Self is already here.
You don’t have to find it.
You just have to listen for it.

Try This: A Self-Energy Check In

Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. Sit or lie down comfortably, and gently bring your awareness inward.

Ask yourself:
“Who is here right now?”
Notice any thoughts, feelings, body sensations, or images that arise. Don’t analyse—just notice.

Then ask:
“Is there a part of me that would like to step back, just for a moment, so I can connect with my Self?”

Wait.
Breathe.
Feel what shifts.

You may notice a softening, a little more space inside, a sense of calm or openness. That’s your Self. Even if only for a few seconds.

Now ask one final question:
“What does my system need from me today?”

Write down whatever comes. Let this be your guide.

Enjoy!

With a abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls

Angela xox