“If I Get It Right, They Won’t Find Me Out”

Part Two in the series: “Unmasking the Imposter – An IFS-Informed Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth”
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

There’s a part of me that loves a gold star.

She wants the work to be brilliant.
She wants my website to read just right.
She triple-checks this sentence, and then again, just in case.

She’s the one who made sure I got distinctions when I returned to study as a mature student.
And, if I’m honest, she’s the one who almost stopped me from pressing publish on this series.

Because even now, after decades of work, there’s still a part of me that believes:
“If I can just get it right, I’ll be safe. I’ll be loved. I won’t be found out.”

This is what we call the Perfectionist Part.

And she’s not bad.
She’s not vain.
She’s not controlling.
She’s protecting.

What the Perfectionist Is Really Trying to Do

The Perfectionist Part is often one of the hardest-working protectors in a woman’s internal system.

She looks like:

• 2 a.m. edits

• Rewriting an email ten times before sending

• Feeling like nothing is ever quite good enough

• Delaying a launch or opportunity because it’s not ready yet

And underneath all of that?
A fear that if you don’t get it right, something bad will happen.

You’ll be rejected.
You’ll be exposed.
You’ll be embarrassed, overlooked, dismissed, hurt, or humiliated.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand this perfectionism not as a personality flaw, but as a protector. One that often formed very early—usually around a younger part who felt like she had to work hard to be loved or accepted.

For Many of Us, Perfection Was Survival

Growing up, many of us received love or praise only when we performed, behaved, succeeded, or stayed small.

You might’ve learned that:

• Mistakes meant punishment

• Expressing yourself made you a target

• Love was conditional on your achievements

• If you were “good,” things were safer

So a part stepped in to keep you perfect.
Not to impress—but to protect.

A Story From My Own Life: When Perfection Wasn’t Sustainable

In my early days of presenting and training, I spent hours obsessing over slides.
Every image had to match. Every phrase had to land. My voice had to sound polished—but not too polished, or people might not relate.

And then, one day, my tech crashed mid-presentation.
Everything I’d prepared was gone.
I froze.

But then something beautiful happened: I stopped trying to perform.
I started speaking from Self. From experience. From heart.
And the feedback from that group?
“That was the most human and powerful session I’ve ever attended.”

That day, my perfectionist part realised something:
She didn’t have to hold everything anymore.
I could.

Try This: Getting to Know Your Perfectionist Part

This gentle journaling reflection will help you begin softening your relationship with the part of you that insists on getting it “just right.”

Step One: Name What It Says
Write down the things your perfectionist part says when she’s active.
Examples:

• “You can’t mess this up.”

• “What will they think?”

• “You’ll regret not doing more.”

Let her speak freely, without censoring.

Step Two: Ask Her Some Gentle Questions
Choose one voice from above and write:

• “How long have you been doing this job for me?”

• “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t?”

• “What would you rather be doing if you didn’t have to work so hard?”

Step Three: Write a Message From Your Self
To end, write to this part from your calm, compassionate Self:

“Thank you for how hard you’ve worked to protect me.
I see you. I appreciate you.
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
I’ve got us now.”

Let her know she can rest—even for a moment.

Final Thoughts

Your perfectionist part isn’t trying to make your life harder.
She’s trying to make it safer—in the only way she knows how.

But she doesn’t need to lead anymore.
You have a Self now.
One that knows you are worthy whether or not it’s perfect.
One that knows being real is far more powerful than being flawless.

And when that part learns to trust you…
You begin to exhale.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox 

Next up: The Inner Critic: “You’ll Never Be Good Enough”