“They’re Better, Smarter, More Deserving”

Part Six in the series: “Unmasking the Imposter – An IFS-Informed Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth”
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

There’s a moment many of us know well.

You’re scrolling, listening, watching someone speak—and suddenly, a part of you shrinks inside.

• “She’s so confident—I’ll never sound like that.”

• “They’re more successful. I must be behind.”

• “Why does it look so effortless for her and so messy for me?”

That’s the Comparer Part.

She doesn’t wait for an invitation—she just shows up.
She scans the room. The feed. The friend group.
And finds evidence that everyone else is doing better.

But under that constant measuring is not jealousy.
It’s fear.
Fear that you’re falling short.
Fear that you’ll never quite belong.
Fear that if you don’t match up, you’ll be left out, behind, or unseen.

Why the Comparer Shows Up

In IFS, the Comparer is a protective part—one who believes that by constantly analysing your position, you can stay safe.

She learned, often very early, that value came from being “better,” “smarter,” “faster,” or at least “enough.”

This part likely formed in environments where:

• Praise or attention was given only when you performed

• You were compared to siblings, classmates, or peers

• You were excluded, teased, or told to try harder

• You were taught that worth comes from appearance, achievement, or approval

So the Comparer sharpened her radar.
Not to hurt you—but to help you find where you “should” be.

She believes if she can just keep you one step ahead, you’ll be accepted.
Safe.
Loved.

A Personal Reflection: Comparing When I Was Breaking New Ground

When I first started integrating IFS into my work, I remember looking at other therapists and trainers who had more visibility, bigger followings, or seemingly flawless branding.

A part of me would whisper, “You’re not as polished. You’re not as known. Maybe you should just stay small.”

That was my Comparer.
She didn’t trust that what I had was enough.

But when I turned toward her, I realised—she was scared.
She was afraid that if I stood out, I’d be judged.
If I failed, I’d be exposed.
And if I succeeded, I might lose connection.

Now, I see her not as the enemy, but as a nervous part who needs reassurance.

She still pipes up sometimes. But I know how to hold her gently, not follow her blindly.

The Comparer Is Not the Truth-Teller—She’s the Protector

She points out other people’s confidence, success, or style—not because she wants to shame you, but because she fears that your own worth is conditional.

She’s not asking you to be someone else.
She’s asking, “Am I safe to be myself here?”

That’s not a flaw. That’s an unmet need—one you can now meet from Self.

Try This: From Comparison to Connection

This reflective practice helps you shift out of comparison and back into your own centre.

Step One: Name the Trigger
Think of a recent moment when you compared yourself to someone and felt less-than.
Write down what they had, did, or embodied that triggered your part.

Step Two: Let the Comparer Speak
Ask:

• “What are you afraid this says about me?”

• “What do you believe they have that I don’t?”

• “What are you trying to protect me from?”

Let the part express herself freely. She may be panicked or harsh—just witness her.

Step Three: Respond From Self
Now speak to the Comparer with kindness. You might write:

“Thank you for noticing that. I know you want me to belong.
But I don’t need to be her—I need to be me.
I trust that who I am is enough. And I trust that you don’t need to scan for danger anymore. I’ve got us.”

Step Four: Reconnect With Your Own Truth
Write:

• “Here’s what I offer that’s uniquely mine…”

• “Here’s what I value about my journey…”

• “Here’s what I no longer need to compare…”

Let your truth speak louder than your fear.

Final Thoughts

Comparison is a part—not your reality.
And when you meet that part with compassion, it no longer needs to shout.

The goal isn’t to stop noticing others—it’s to stay connected to your Self when you do.

You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are beautifully, powerfully, unapologetically you.

And there’s room for you here.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox 

Next up: The Avoider: “If I Don’t Try, I Can’t Fail”