“I’ll Be Who They Need Me to Be”

Part Eight in the series: “Unmasking the Imposter – An IFS-Informed Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth”
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

Do you ever find yourself changing your tone to match the room?
Filtering your ideas so they sound more “acceptable”?
Feeling unsure where you end and other people’s expectations begin?

That might be the voice of your Chameleon Part.

She’s the one who reads the room like a radar.
Who softens her edges. Holds her tongue.
Who hides her brilliance so others don’t feel threatened.
Who’s mastered the art of being liked—even if it means being invisible.

And underneath her adaptability is a deep longing:
“Please don’t leave me.”

The Chameleon Isn’t Weak—She’s Strategic

In IFS, the Chameleon is a protector—one who learned how to survive by fitting in, pleasing others, and never making waves.

She may have emerged in childhood or early adulthood, when it wasn’t safe to:

• Say no

• Disagree

• Take up space

• Be different

• Show too much of yourself

This part likely formed in environments where:

• Love was conditional

• Belonging meant being agreeable

• Attention came when you pleased others

• Standing out led to criticism or punishment

So the Chameleon adapted.
She became who others needed you to be—not to manipulate, but to survive.

A Personal Reflection: From Shape-Shifting to Self

In my early career—especially in spaces where I was the “first” or “only” woman in a room—I often found myself adjusting.

My voice. My tone. Even my opinions.

I wore competence like a mask, compassion like armour, and success like a shield.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know who I was—it was that I had a part who deeply believed that being fully myself could cost me connection.

And while that Chameleon helped me navigate spaces where safety wasn’t guaranteed, I’ve since learned I no longer need her to lead.

Now, she doesn’t need to disappear. She just needs to trust that I can stay in integrity, even when approval isn’t guaranteed.

The Cost of Being Who They Need You to Be

The Chameleon keeps you connected—but often at the cost of authenticity.
And over time, that comes with symptoms like:

• Exhaustion from masking

• Confusion about your own values or voice

• Loneliness in relationships that feel one-sided

• Shame for not being “real”

But this part doesn’t need to be banished.
She needs to be heard, honoured, and supported by Self—so that you can lead, without having to lose yourself.

Try This: Reclaiming Your Voice With Compassion

This reflective practice helps you check in with your Chameleon Part and begin remembering who you are—underneath who you've learned to be.

Step One: Recall a Recent Situation
Think of a moment when you changed your words, tone, or behaviour to fit in or please someone.

Write: “There’s a part of me that needed to adapt in that moment.”

Step Two: Let the Chameleon Speak
Ask:

• “What were you afraid would happen if I showed up as my full self?”

• “Who taught you that blending in was safer than being seen?”

• “What do you want for me now?”

Let the answers come without judgement. This part is wise and tired.

Step Three: Write From Self
Now, respond with kindness:

“Thank you for helping me stay safe when it wasn’t okay to be fully me.
I see how loyal and protective you’ve been.
You don’t have to carry that alone anymore.
I’m ready to be more of who I really am—with you beside me, not in charge.”

Step Four: Anchor in Authenticity
Write three simple truths that are yours.
Not someone else’s. Not filtered.

Just:

• “I believe…”

• “I value…”

• “I want…”

Let that be your beginning.

Final Thoughts

The Chameleon in you is brilliant.
She learned how to survive in a world that didn’t always welcome your wholeness.

But now, you get to lead.
You get to take off the mask—slowly, safely, and with your parts by your side.

And the more you show up as your full Self…
the more you’ll find the kind of connection that doesn’t require you to disappear.

You don’t have to choose between love and truth.
You were made for both.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox 

Next up: The Part That Fears Failure: “What If I Mess It All Up?”