“If I Don’t Try, I Can’t Fail”

Part Seven in the series: “Unmasking the Imposter – An IFS-Informed Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth”
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

You’ve got a brilliant idea.
You’ve even mapped out the steps.
You’re passionate, inspired, capable… and yet—you don’t start.

Instead, you tidy the house. Scroll endlessly. Delay. Distract.
You tell yourself you’ll begin tomorrow… or when it feels “right”… or when the fear goes away.

That’s the voice of the Avoider Part.

And she’s not lazy. She’s not flaky.
She’s not a failure.

She’s afraid.

Avoidance Isn’t Indifference—It’s Protection

When we avoid something, it’s rarely because we don’t care.
It’s often because we care so much that the risk feels too high.

In IFS, the Avoider is a protective part who’s working overtime to:

• Prevent embarrassment

• Shield you from failure or rejection

• Avoid triggering shame, vulnerability, or disappointment

• Protect an exiled part of you who has already felt those things

Her logic is simple:
“If we don’t try, we can’t fail. If we don’t show up, we won’t get hurt.”

And that logic might have made perfect sense at one time in your life.

A Personal Reflection: Avoiding What Matters Most

There was a period in my life where I delayed launching something I believed in deeply. I had the experience, the tools, the content—yet I couldn’t bring myself to move.

At first, I thought I just needed more time. But when I paused and got curious, I heard the Avoider part clearly:

“What if they don’t sign up? What if it’s not good enough? What if it confirms all the doubts you carry?”

She wasn’t holding me back—she was holding me together.
Protecting a younger part of me who remembered being laughed at. Overlooked. Not chosen.

When I acknowledged her—not with force, but with presence—she began to trust me.
And in that trust, the stuckness started to soften.

Avoidance Isn’t the Enemy of Action—It’s the Guardian of Tenderness

So many women beat themselves up for procrastinating, hesitating, or not “just doing it.”

But every Avoider is guarding something sacred.

She’s not saying you’re not good enough.
She’s saying, “I want to make sure you never feel that kind of pain again.”

That deserves compassion.
Not a productivity hack.
Not a motivational quote.

Just your presence.

Try This: Listening to the Avoider With Compassion

This journaling practice helps you tune in to the Avoider with kindness, so you can understand her role and begin moving forward with care.

Step One: Identify What You’re Avoiding
Choose one thing you keep postponing, even though it matters to you.
Write it down simply:
“I’ve been avoiding…”

Step Two: Let the Avoider Speak
Now ask:

• “Why don’t you want me to do this?”

• “What are you afraid will happen?”

• “What are you protecting me from?”

Let the Avoider respond in her own voice. You may be surprised by her wisdom.

Step Three: Respond From Self
Write back:

“Thank you for caring so deeply.
I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe.
I’m not here to force you—I’m here to walk with you. Let’s move gently, together.”

Step Four: Choose One Small Action
Ask: “What’s the smallest possible step we can take today—without overwhelming you?”

It might be a 5-minute brainstorm.
It might be opening a document.
It might be breathing and doing nothing—on purpose.

Let the action come from connection, not coercion.

Final Thoughts

Avoidance isn’t a failure.
It’s a flag—a signal from a part of you that still feels tender, unsure, or unready.

And when you stop pushing her away, and instead say: “I’m here. I’m listening. I’ve got you,”
everything begins to change.

You don’t have to override your fear to move forward.
You just have to bring your parts with you.

With a abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox 

Next up: The Chameleon: “I’ll Be Who They Need Me to Be”