“If You Really Knew Me, You’d Turn Away”

Part Eleven in the series: “Unmasking the Imposter – An IFS-Informed Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth”
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

You want to be known.
You long to be understood, appreciated, loved—not for what you do, but for who you are.

But the moment someone looks too closely, a part of you retreats.

• “Don’t share too much.”

• “Don’t let them see the real you.”

• “If they knew what you were really like, they’d walk away.”

This is the Part That Fears Being Seen.

And she’s not being dramatic.
She’s remembering.

She carries the story that exposure leads to pain.
That letting yourself be visible invites shame, judgment, or rejection.

And so, she whispers:
“Be likeable. Be impressive. Be polished. Be careful. But please… don’t be real.”

Visibility and Vulnerability Are Often Entwined

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that the fear of being seen isn’t irrational.
It’s held by a protective part who may have learned that authenticity was once dangerous.

She may have developed when:

• You were punished or mocked for expressing emotions

• You were labelled as “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “too intense”

• You revealed something important and it wasn’t met with kindness

• You had to mask parts of your identity to stay safe, accepted, or loved

So this part keeps you performing, pleasing, hiding.

Not because she doesn’t want you to be loved—
But because she doesn’t want you to be hurt.

A Personal Reflection: The Terror Behind the Truth

There was a moment, early in my private practice, when I shared something personal during a training. It wasn’t dramatic—it was real. Unfiltered. Human.

And for days afterwards, I felt uneasy. A part of me panicked: “You let them see too much.”
“Now they’ll know you’re not perfect.”

That part had kept me safe for years by encouraging me to be competent, collected, controlled. She believed that being seen in my vulnerability would cost me credibility.

It took time—and many internal conversations—for her to trust that I could show up as my whole self and still be respected.

Now, I don’t hide behind a mask.
But I do honour the part who once needed one.

Being Seen Doesn’t Have to Mean Being Unsafe

To this part, visibility equals vulnerability.
But what she doesn’t yet know is this:

You have a Self now.
One that can hold the gaze of others without shrinking.
One that can stay anchored, even when eyes are on you.
One that doesn’t rely on perfection to feel safe.

Being seen isn’t about exposure anymore—it’s about connection.
And you get to lead that connection with clarity, boundaries, and grace.

Try This: A Visualisation to Reconnect With the Self Beneath the Mask

This gentle inner practice can help you meet the part of you who fears being truly seen, and invite her into connection at a pace that feels safe.

Step One: Create Your Safe Space
Close your eyes. Picture a place where you feel calm, safe, and completely yourself.
It might be real or imagined—a forest, a sunlit room, a quiet garden.

Step Two: Invite the Part to Appear
Say silently:
“If there’s a part of me who fears being seen, you’re welcome to join me here.”

Notice what you sense—a feeling, an image, a younger self.
You don’t need full clarity. Just presence.

Step Three: Greet Her Gently
Say:
“Thank you for protecting me. I know you’ve been trying to keep me safe.”
“I don’t want to force you to be seen. I just want you to know I see you—and I care.”

Allow her to respond if she wants to.

Step Four: Offer Reassurance
Imagine sitting beside her. Let her know:

“You don’t have to hide anymore. Not because you’re being forced—but because you’re safe now. I’m here. You’re not alone.”

When ready, slowly return to the present. Drink water. Breathe deeply. Write down what you experienced.

Final Thoughts

The part of you who fears being seen is not trying to keep you small—she’s trying to keep you safe.

But the safest place she can be now…
is with you.

And you are more than ready to hold her.

You don’t have to perform to be loved.
You don’t have to perfect your way into worthiness.
You are already worthy—seen or unseen.

And your truth is not too much.
It’s just enough.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls,

Angela xox 

Next up (final article in the series): Leading With Self: Reclaiming Confidence, Wholeness, and Worth